36? Shit, now what?

Have you ever had that moment? The one that they talk about in movies and like every freaking song on the planet? That moment of realization. That "Oh shit!" moment. Well, let me let you in on a little secret about that.... it lasts a hell of a lot longer than a moment!! I'm over here having a panic attack that's lasting me like 3 months and counting!! Why you may ask? Maybe you're sitting there going,  "Giiiirl,  what in the world kinda realization are you having to be on THAT level???" Well, let me tell you something. 

A few months ago my son text me while I was at work. Now, he knows what he be doing when he does that shit because I work in Healthcare. And he knows I can't always check my phone. Ugh. Boys. So, I had a moment to glance at it and his text read:

"Mom- Can I go live with dad? Would you be mad if I did?"

My heart. Sunk. Down. Down. Down. That's when it started.  My "moment". I sat there at work the rest of the day with my heart in my ankles. Playing with the thought back and forth in my brain like it was a Wimbledon tennis match. My son was 14. Getting ready for his 15th birthday in a couple months from the day he posed that question to me. Funny thing is, he posed it to his father too. I wasn't the only one pondering this difficult request.

After some time, a few talks, some rules, a pros & cons list and a much needed mommy-son trip, we decided to let him go. HARDEST. DECISION. OF. MY. LIFE. TO. DATE. But who am I to take that opportunity to have quality time with his dad away from him? Especially when so many young boys don't have that opportunity.

Well, that said,  my eldest daughter turned 18 (three days after my son's 15th birthday)!!! Like, can yall just slow the 'F' down please??? Like, I'm not ready. We've sent in 6 college applications for her now. All of which are in the UK. The freaking UK!!! That's a whole other blog.... 🙄.

As the kids were leaving for their winter holiday break (it was dad's year for Christmas) and my sons big move, I had my moment! That realization. That "Fuck, Now what???" moment. Yall, I am only 36 years old and I am about to be EMPTY NESTED. AT 36! What the hell do I do now? I don't know! Like, they didn't prepare me for this part.  I don't know if I just didn't think I'd ever make it this far or what, but I never really sat and thought about this part. 

I've been a mom,  and mostly a single mom the majority of the time,  since I was 18. Graduated high school 4 months pregnant. I went from being a kid to raising a kid. I don't know anything else. My life evolved around my children for the last 18 years.  So, like I said, Now what? Nobody thought to say "Hey, remember not to lose yourself along the way, your going to need her again at some point!"?? Nothing? And that's the hard part of all of this. I was supposed to have at least 3 more years with my son after my daughter went off to college, but noooooooope. There clearly are other plans for me. I don't know whose out here making those plans,  but I do wish they would consult with me first sometimes. I mean, damn. 

So..... Shit, now what? 36. One kid gone, another has 1 foot out the door. It's my time. MY TIME! But what does that mean? What does that entail? What am I allowed to do? What SHOULD I do? I'm a single person, whose never actually been a single person before, on a journey to find herself again, her happiness and everything that makes her feel whole. And- We're about to find out through this blog. This is one journey that's definitely worth documenting.  Finding me again. Lets goooo!

So, now what? 

New chapter beginning NOW. Look forward to it.

-Tiffany Dawn