"Where you lead, I will follow" ~ Gilmore Girls
I didn't really realize the depth of the bond we truly have until recently. The past 6 months have been particularly rough for me. Between my mom moving back to Minnesota, my son deciding to move to his dad's in Minnesota, my daughter turning 18 and applying to colleges out of the country, getting pushed out of my job a week before Christmas and then having to spend Christmas without my kids and family (it was dad's year for Christmas with the kiddos), I've definitely been feeling down. Helpless. Destroyed in some ways.
When your whole adult life has been nothing but taking care of others, it's difficult to adapt to putting yourself first and your own needs. Especially when you don't feel like those you cared for for so long really appreciate all you've done for them. But my daughter has shown how much I really am appreciated in such an awesome way. Like I said before, she had been applying to colleges outside of the U.S. She had been wanting to go to London for her University studies for as long as I can remember. And I have always tried to make sure my kids knew they could do anything they want as long as they work hard for it. The world is their oyster. The hard part was trying to get that across the right way as a young parent without experience, but I tried. I used whatever was available to try to get that point across over the years.
Most of the time I just figured my kids didn't grasp any of the shit I would try to teach them. I was a kid myself so hell if I knew what I was doing. I felt like the lessons I wanted them to remember were going right over their heads- purely due to my own lack of "teaching" experience. I always questioned myself as a parent. Am I doing this parenting thing right? Am I raising them to be good people? Are they learning anything I strive to teach them? Hell, do they even like having me as a mom? Do they think I am to strict? Am I pushing to hard? Am I not doing enough? Constantly questioning myself and my style of parenting for the last 18 years.
A week or so ago, I found out that while I may have been lacking in some ways as a mom, my efforts haven't gone unnoticed, nor were they in vain. I went to check on my daughter's UCAS application information and came across her admissions essay. Now, I didn't know what she wrote. She never showed me. Let me tell you- Instant tears! My daughter is planning to be a film and media studies major, which I think is awesome because we both LOOOOOOVE movies! Movies have always been a bonding thing for me and both my kids. It was always just something we could do together, no matter how broke we were and couldn't afford to go out and do things. In her admissions essay, she immediately stated this: "Movies have been a significant outlet for me and my mom my whole life. It's how she, as a single teen mom, raised me and taught me lessons and stories when she didn't have the words herself. My mom and I's personal language is full of references and quotes from films I can't imagine living without." How could a young, single mom of 36 have such an impact on one person? I have no idea. But it truly is an amazing feeling. The best part? She got in to her #1 choice! The pinnacle of happiness as a parent- especially as a single mom- is seeing your kids succeed.
The fact that she feels she owes her love for film and movies to me because of how I used them to teach her life lessons-Oh my god- there are no words to that joyous feeling. My heart grew so much from reading that one statement. It truly showed that my efforts were valid and to see how she picked up on those lessons I taught through watching certain films is astonishing. She seriously amazes me every single day. In that essay, not only did I see how much my lessons were absorbed throughout her 18 years, but I also saw how strong our bond is. How much merit she puts on my words. How much my actions and my choices effect hers. It lightened my heavy heart after all the things I've been dealing with recently.
Moms- no matter how beaten down you are feeling some days, no matter how much you think your kids don't see you or listen to you... just know they do hear you. You matter. They do notice you. They see your efforts. And while they might not acknowledge them right now, eventually they will. You are amazing and you are worthy of so much love. You are appreciated for everything you do. You are the best teacher, nurse, chauffer, maid, accountant, cook, manager, doctor, coach, friend and mother. You do it all and just remember- they notice, we all do. ♥️ My best friend taught me that.
-Tiffany Dawn
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